"I don´t think Mum knows much about children."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I´m wide awake and gets me up when I´m sleepy."
Mother: "Don´t you know that reaching over the table for cakes is a bad manners? Haven´t you got a tongue?"
Matthew: "Yes, but my arms are longer."
Teacher: "How can you prove that the world is round?"
Pupil: "I never said it was, Miss."
"I say, porter, where is this train going to?"
"This train goes to Liverpool in ten minutes, Madam."
"Good gracious! Last time I went to Liverpool it took four hours."
Doctor: "You need glasses".
Patient: "How did you know?"
Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked through the window."
Teacher: "I wish you would pay a little attention."
Pupil: "I´m paying as little as I can."
Little Mary was on train with her mother when suddenly
she started to whisper in her mother´s ear.
"Mary," said her mother sharply, "how many times
have I told you it´s impolite to whisper.
If you´ve got anything to say, say it loud."
"All right," said Mary, "why has that man got such a big ears?"
"I thought you weren´t going to smoke any more."
"I´m not." "But you´re smoking as much as ever." "Well, that´s not more, is it?"
An Irishman looked from his newspaper and said to his wife, "I never understand how it is that people always die in alphabetical order."
"How far is from here to the station?" asked an English tourist.
"It´s about fifteen-minute walk," answered an Irish local, "if you run like hell."