Anglické vtipy 3

6. červenec 2011 | 13.42 |

"Doctor! Doctor! I need glasses!"
"You certainly do, Madam. This is a fish and chips shop!"

What did the bee say to flower?
"Hello honey."

"Margaret, you musn´t use ´a´ before a plural - you say ´a´ horse, not ´a´ horses".
"But, Miss, the vicar´s always saying ´a-men."

"I don´t want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them."
"Well, don´t play with him again."

The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when father called over the waiter.
"Yes, Sir? said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate,"
explained the father.
"Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy.
"Have we got a dog then?"

As a large impressive funeral was passing, a man on the pavement watching it go by asked a small boy,
"Who ´s died?"
"Chap in the coffin," said the boy.

Drowning man: "Help, I can´t swimm!"
Passer-by: "So what? I can´t play piano, but I don´t shout about it."

Poor old Steve sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back saying they weren´t so lonely...

"My wife´s an angel"
"Realy? Mine´s still alive."

Little Johnny was playing in the garden and looking angrily into sunlight with half-shut eyes.
His mother came out and said, "Why don´t you move out of the sun?"
"Why should I? answered Johnny. "I was here first!

"Waiter, what´s this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the breast-stroke,sir."

"Waiter, there´s a dead fly in this soup."
"Yes, sir, it´s the heat that kills them."

Vicar: "You must not fight, little boy. You should love your enemy."
Boy: "But he´s not my enemy. He´s my brother."

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead - go slow !"

Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I´m mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Beacause I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven," said the Sunday school teacher.

Everyone put their hands up except Kenneth.
"Don´t you want to go to Heaven, Kenneth?"
" I can´t, Miss, " said Kenneth. "My mum told me to come straight home."

"Mum, now I ´m fifteen, can I wear eye-shadow and lipstick and mascara and perfume and wear high-heeled shoes?"
"No, Charles, you may not."

Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with "I", Nicholas.
Nicolas: "Yes. Sir, "I" is -
Teacher: "No, no, Nicholas! You don´t say "I is", you say "I am"."
Nicholas: "All right, Sir. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

" I´d like some crocodile shoes, please."
"Certainly, madam, what size are your crocodiles?"

Mother: "Aunt Edna won´t kiss you with that dirty face."
Johnny: "That´s just what I was up to."

Mother : "Eat your spinach, dear. It will put colour into your cheeks."
Johnny: "Who wants to have green cheeks?"

"Waiter, waiter, the service here is terrible."
"If you think the service is terrible, wait until you see the food!"

Brother: "Why are you so clever?"
Sister: "I take clever pills"
Brother: "Let me have some, then."
Sister: "Take two of these."
Brother: "These aren´t pills - they´re just sweets."
Sister: See! They´re working already."

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